Mastering the Art of "For You" and Not Taking on Others' Experiences and Opinions of Pregnancy, Birth, and Motherhood
I came across this reel and it made me stop in my tracks. It's simple. It's genius. It can be life-changing for anyone on their motherhood journey. It's from Mary of Mary's Cup of Tea: The Self-Love Podcast for Women. Her simple yet profound advice? Add "for you" after someone tells you something.
Her advice is useful for everyone, but it strikes me as particularly useful for women on their pregnancy and motherhood journey. Here are the examples that come to mind for this group:
"Getting pregnant was easy once getting off birth control." — For you.
"Pregnancy sucked." — For you.
"Epidurals are a lifesaver." — For you.
"Natural birth is best." — For you.
"Breastfeeding was hard." — For you.
"Breastfeeding was easy." — For you.
You get the idea.
Other People's Statements Impact Your Subconscious Beliefs
But why is this so important for women preparing to get pregnant or have a baby? Because the messages we take in from other people, as well as the array of media we consume, inform our subconscious beliefs about ourselves and how the world works. We are constantly exposed to the idea—through media and first, second, or third-hand tellings of other people's births—that labor is painful, there is screaming, it starts with a rush of the water breaking, it must be done on one's back in a hospital bed, there can be induction, failure to progress, forceps, a too-big baby, stalled labor, or an emergency c-section. Ongoing exposure to these ideas creates an underlying belief that birth is painful and something to be feared.
Impact of Subconscious Beliefs on Labor
When a woman carries fear about birth in her subconscious thoughts, her body will do its best to protect her from this thing she fears (normally this is good — like our body instinctively running away from a fire). However, for labor and birth, this fear response will block the release of the very hormones needed for labor and delivery to unfold as intended.
Other People's Experience/Advice + Media → Subconscious Fear of Birth → Body Unable to Let Labor & Delivery Unfold as Intended
Creating a Birth Plan That Reflects Your Values
One practical way to apply the "for you" mindset is when creating your birth plan. A birth plan is a tool that outlines your preferences for labor and delivery, helping you communicate your desires to your healthcare team. It's an opportunity to reflect on what's important to you and how you envision your birth experience.
As you gather information and consider various options—whether it's labor comfort measures, birthing positions, or who will be present in the room—remember that your choices should reflect what feels right for you, not what others think you should do. If someone suggests a particular approach that doesn't resonate, remind yourself that it worked "for them," and it's perfectly okay to choose a different path.
Impact of Subconscious Beliefs on Breastfeeding
Similarly, if you have fears or limiting beliefs about making enough breastmilk or "doing it right," the stress this causes can block the release of prolactin and oxytocin—the hormones essential for milk production and let down. Listening to someone else's breastfeeding experience and thinking that your experience will be the same can be a recipe for confusion and disappointment. Not only will your experience likely be different from someone else's, anyone with more than one child will tell you, your own experience with different babies can be dramatically different! It can ease some of the pressure if you go into new baby life without hard and fast expectations for how things will unfold. It's a mostly learn-on-the-job type situation ❤️
Setting Boundaries With Family Postpartum
Another area where the "for you" hack is helpful is when you are fielding unsolicited advice and opinions for taking care of baby once he or she comes home. Well-meaning family members (some of whom perhaps have not cared for a baby in decades during which huge amounts of research have shifted recommendations) will instinctively do or say things based on their own experience with babies. That makes sense — for them. But when it comes to your baby, your instincts and updated understanding of baby care and development lead the way.
"Adding rice cereal to their bottle improves nighttime sleep." — For you.
"Leaving baby asleep in the car is fine." — For you.
"Tylenol fixes everything." — For you.
"Sleep training is a lifesaver." — For you.
The Power of Personal Experience
One of the most empowering aspects of adding "for you" to the end of someone's statement is that it reminds you that your experience is your own. Every pregnancy, birth, and motherhood journey is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. By recognizing this, you give yourself permission to trust your instincts and follow what feels right for you and your baby.
Trusting Your Inner Voice
As you prepare for pregnancy, birth, and motherhood, it's essential to cultivate a deep trust in your inner voice. This is the voice that knows what's best for you and your baby, even when others might suggest otherwise. Developing this trust begins with mindfulness and self-awareness. When you encounter advice or stories from others, take a moment to reflect on how they resonate with you. Does the advice align with your values and instincts? If not, it's okay to let it go with a simple "for you" and move forward with what feels right for you.
Does what you're hearing make you feel fearful or anxious? That's a sign that something is not aligning with your inner knowing. Take time to sit with that—perhaps literally sitting in stillness (no phone!), journaling, or doing some intentional breathwork.
Embracing the Unknown
Another critical aspect of motherhood is learning to embrace the unknown. No matter how much you plan or prepare, there will always be elements of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood that are beyond your control. The "for you" mindset can be particularly helpful here, as it encourages you to let go of rigid expectations and stay open to whatever your journey may bring.
This doesn't mean you shouldn't prepare—quite the opposite. Being informed and having a plan can help you feel more confident and empowered. But it's also essential to recognize that flexibility is key. By staying adaptable and open-minded, you're better equipped to handle unexpected challenges and changes with grace and resilience. This is one of the cornerstones of Hypnobirthing/Calm Birth childhood preparation.
Building a Supportive Network
One of the most valuable resources you can have on your motherhood journey is a supportive network of people who respect your choices and encourage you to trust yourself. Surround yourself with friends, family members, and professionals who understand the importance of honoring your unique experience and who refrain from imposing their own beliefs on you.
Reclaiming Your Birth and Motherhood Story
Every mother has a story, and yours is uniquely yours to tell. By embracing the "for you" mindset, you reclaim your narrative and write a story that reflects your values, desires, and experiences. This is especially important in a culture that often tries to define motherhood for women, rather than allowing women to define it for themselves.
Conclusion: Your Journey, Your Choices
Motherhood is a deeply personal journey, and it's one that deserves to be lived on your own terms. The "for you" mindset is a powerful tool that can help you navigate the myriad of opinions, advice, and experiences you'll encounter along the way. By recognizing that what works for others may not work for you, you give yourself the freedom to explore what feels right for your unique situation.
So, the next time someone offers you advice or shares their experience, take a deep breath, smile, and remember: that's what worked for them, but you get to choose what works for you. Your journey, your choices, and your story are what matter most. And the rest is still unwritten.
